25 Saying, funny quotes for a new day

“The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good.”
― Jarod Kintz, This is the story my great-grandfather told my father, who then told my grandfather, who then told me about how The Mythical Mr. Boo, Charles Manseur Fizzlebush Grissham III, better known as Mr. Fizzlebush, and Orafoura are all in fact me…

“One thing I often get carried away with is piggyback rides.”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you’d still waste time by reading it.

“Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

“Juan gave Bones the most admiring look he’d bestowed on him yet. “You talked her into going without panties all these years? Madre de Dios, now that’s impressive. I could learn a great deal from you, amigo.”
― Jeaniene Frost, One Foot in the Grave

“My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Which way did they go, Peeves?” Filch was saying. “Quick, tell me.”
“Say ‘please.'”
“Don’t mess with me, Peeves, now where did they go?”
“Shan’t say nothing if you don’t say please,” said Peeves in his annoying singsong voice.
“All right- PLEASE.”
“NOTHING! Ha haaa! Told you I wouldn’t say nothing if you didn’t say please! Ha ha! Haaaaaa!” And they heard the sound of Peeves whooshing away and Filch cursing in rage.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone


“Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay next time, I promise.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

“Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too

“Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames.”
― Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters

“When I compliment you, I compliment myself, because I am who I associate with.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

John Green
“The funny thing about writing is that whether you’re doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That’s actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.”
― John Green

“Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt at a time.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

“When red fights with white, pink is always the winner. Let that be a lesson in love.”
― Jarod Kintz, My love can only occupy one person at a time

“I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

“Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

Cassandra Clare
“Magnus raised his hands above his head and clapped once. The room flooded with light. “You see? You think that would be possible without magic?

“Actually,” replied Simon, “It is. If you watched infomercials you’d know that.”
― Cassandra Clare

“I didn’t want to spoil the mood. This was probably the longest Daemon and I had ever spoken without some statement earning him the finger.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

“If you’re texting Magnus to say ‘I think u r kewl’ I’m going to kill you”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies.”
― George Carlin

“With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it’s no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I am a slave to your love. Well, more like indentured servant.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

“As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

“I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

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